Sometimes u need to sit down and relax..u will see, that all the hidden thoughts come up. That should be the time to face it, to clear your mind from all the stuff u're burdened with. Give them room to disappear!
Now its exactly 7 Month since iam in Ireland and i haven't regret it.It helped me more to see things differently and to face my fears.
Since i can remember, my sisters were my Idols.
When I was younger i hated them, cuz everyone compared us. I wanted to be like them. I couldn't see that everyone of us is an individual Person. I felt like the left over, that none wants. It looked like that everyone thought my sisters were perfect. I hated that my Mother for comparing our School Education, i hated that they were older, i hated that they spend more time together, i hated, that they always saw me as the "Baby" and i hated the most, that they moved out together. We had a lot of Problems at Home and when i turned eleven, my big sisters moved out.
After my Fathers moving out when i was six and then with 11 both of them together, i thought i lost everything. I was sure, that none would loved me anymore..I blamed my Mother for all this loss. I hated her so much, that i wished she would die. The situation between her and me got worse and I felt that i reached my Destination. My Mother hated me and wished i was never born. I made her life like Hell, cuz i thought that's the only way i could take revenge for all my loss.
Shortly after my 14th Birthday my Mother pleased me to go and I did.. Somehow i was released and on the other Hand i hated her even more if that is possible.
It was my Sister who brought me to the take-up-Home for Children. She was there when I needed someone.
After I moved out the Situation between my Mother and me got better for a while, but not long enough. I thought that my Sisters would stand behind me always, seen that they had Problems with her as well.... I moved to a different city far away from everything that could bother me in Cologne.
The Contact between my Sisters and my Mother got better actually really good. I couldn't understand that i was asking myself: "What is so different between us?, why do Mother love them so much that she and that they can forgot what happens?"
I was jealous!
One of my Sisters was like my Mother for a long time and I hated her for that. She was always on my Mothers side, doesn't matter if she was right or not. When i went to Ethiopia for living with my father, she stayed with me for three Month and whenever Mother called she left the room. I was upset about that and thought she was a fool. I hated the feeling to know that they had secrets, to see that i wasn't loved (at least i thought that), to know i was watched.
After Ethiopia the Situation between my Mother and me got worse again because of money. I wanted her to support me and she didn't. I doesn't saw another chance then fighting for my rights. So I went to see a Lawyer. He exchanged some letters with my Mothers Lawyer and she payed. Iam not proud of what i did, but i do not regret it too. This time, my sisters and I had absolutely no contact either by phone or Email. The y were on my mothers side. I was alone...again! The 1st time I've met them after one year of silence was in Ethiopia to bury my father.
After that the contact between us was there again and we were like a wall. Shoulder on Shoulder, fighting against the world.
Last year when i decided that i wanted to leave Germany was it my oldest sister who supported me a lot and gave me strength! Iam really thankful for that! I don't know if I would be gone if none had said something... I broke my apprenticeship shortly before i told anyone about my Plans to leave the Country and my Mother and one of my Sisters were really mad on me and again no Contact.
I know now, that my Sister just wanted to protect me and get me safe.. I can see that Now! They always tried everything to protect me even if it meant that they had to suffer. Iam really glad to have this two Sisters and none else. I hope we can forgive each other one time for all the bad things we did!
Sisters shouldn't be against each other, Sisters should stand together! I always did, i do and i 'll love my sisters!!
I didn't mean to fight with anyone i want Peace! Now i can start to concentrate on things which are more important for me right now, without feeling guilty or shameful. I know I've done many bad things to People. I think the 1st Step is to forgive ourselves.I've done that and I made Peace with me now!
both your mirror
- and your opposite."
Elizabeth Fishel
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